Friday, November 14, 2008

TECHNOCOLOR FORTUNE COOKIES!

So those of you who read my blog know by now that I struggle from time to time about my childhood and the way I was treated by my parents. And when I’m in the middle of one of these struggles, I get kinda down. Seems like when this happens to me, it’s always at night when I’m by myself, usually when I’m in bed trying to go to sleep. Why does everything always seem worse at night? Anyway, I was having quite a struggle with my thoughts last night. I’m not going into too much detail here because it’s pretty private but in a nutshell, I was abused by a distant relative when I was a little girl. I didn’t tell my parents until I was much older and when I told them, not only did they do absolutely nothing about it but a few years later my mother invited the abuser over for dinner. Then, several years after I moved to Little Rock, she called to apologize for having him over for dinner. When she called, I told her I didn’t wanna talk about it and that it was no big deal. But, as I get older, I realize it is a very big deal. The abuse is big but the biggest deal is that my folks did nothing. And you know what? There are some things that you just cannot apologize for. Sometimes, love really is never having to say you’re sorry. An apology for having him over to dinner is not acceptable.

I cut ties with my parents almost seven years ago because I couldn’t handle the abuse towards me and my son anymore. I’ve been feeling guilty lately because my parents are older and I know they don’t have it easy. Last night, as I lay in bed thinking, something started to become clear to me. My parents did not love me like they should. If they had, they would have been there for me when I told them I had been sexually abused. If I found out someone had abused my son, I would go to hell and back to confront that person. I called The Editor last night and talked with him for a long time and he made me feel better. I asked him, am I messed up? Is there something wrong with me? After we hung up, I continued to think and then it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. The guilt I felt for not being there for my parents right now evaporated. And here’s why: they weren’t really there for me, were they? I realized that by not going to bat for me with the abusive relative, they made me feel that I was worthless which I think is a lot of the cause for the awful relationships in my past. I didn’t feel worthy of the best until now. And I realized........I don’t owe my mom and dad anything. I feel asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I was a little down but for the first time, I felt whole and I realized that I AM WORTHY. I am a great believer that things happen for a reason. When I got to work today, I was taking my wallet out of my purse (yeah, my chicken purse) to get change for a Dr. Pepper when a fortune cookie thingie that I had kept from the last time I went to lunch with friends fell out. I picked it up off the floor and when I read it, a little smile came over my face and I realized.......it’s gonna be okay. Here’s what it said:
The major value in life is not in what you get, but in what you become.

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