I've been thinking about my son often lately. He seems so grown up these days. Not a kid anymore. A young adult. He's a joy to be around and I'm so lucky to have him in my life..........not only as my son....but just lucky to know him at all. I can't help but think about how I was at his age....and how my relationship with my mother was so very different than my relationship with my son. He has long hair, some piercings, a tattoo............I love him just as much as I would if he didn't have all of that. Don't get me wrong.....I think my son is a good lookin' young adult. But what really matters to me is what kind of person he is inside. And I'm very proud of his mind, heart and soul.
Over the years, my weight has fluctuated. At some points I'm thin and at other points....not so thin. I remember when I was about his age...I'd gone back to my home town for a visit and I was carrying around more weight than my mother thought was acceptable. We'd gone to a yard sale and I'd found some clothes that I wanted to try on. In my little town, it wasn't unusual for the person having the yard sale to let you go inside their house and try on clothes they had for sale. So I picked up some things that I wanted to try on and went inside the house. They had this little room right to the side of the door by the yard sale so I went in there. I could clearly hear the people outside talking as I was trying on clothes. My mother was saying to the people at the sale......she doesn't really look that way. That's not really her. She's only getting these clothes until she loses weight. My mother was ashamed of me. And me? I was humiliated and...ashamed of my mother. I remember how much courage it took to come back out and walk among those people after hearing her. When I had a relationship with my parents, I called them every Sunday. And each time I called, she would ask.....how's your weight? Have you lost? It depressed me every time she asked. Even the times I was thin, it still depressed me when she asked.
It's too late for my mother and I to have any kind of relationship at all. But I pray often that God will help me to be a good mother and not repeat the chain of abuse. Help me to be a guiding light towards my son's happiness throughout his life. And when he looks down at his cell phone and see's its me calling, may he always pick the call up with a smile on his face and love in his heart.
