CHOICES

I’ve been married three times and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about why those marriages didn’t work. Here’s what I’ve figured out.....at least so far. All my marriages were doomed from the beginning because of the choices I made. I made wrong relationship choices every time! The crazy thing is.......each man was controlling.....like my mother. Jeez. I’m not blaming her for my choices....but......I think I picked what was familiar to me. It has taken me this long for the lightbulb to come on. The light didn’t come on overnight......it has taken me years to figure it out. Help from friends, books, etc. The lightbulb started out very dim but is now very bright!

Let’s see......

Mr. Abuse

My first husband. I married him with I was 18. I didn’t realize it at the time but I married him strictly to get away from my controlling mother. He traveled and it was my way out. He wined and dined me until we got married. He really treated me well until the minute we got married. Then everything changed. Not only was he as controlling and mentally abusive as my mother but he was also physically abusive. I was married for two years to him. He actually tried to drown me in a swimming pool. That’s when I realized that I couldn’t keep the marriage together (and live, that is) so I filed for divorce. I’m sure I’ll blog about him later.

Baby’s Daddy

My second husband. I married him with I was 22. We were married for 7 years. He’s my son Ben’s dad. I can sum up our marriage in one statement Baby’s Daddy made to me. He had been married before and here’s what he said to me when we decided to get married "I did exactly what my first wife told me to do.......this time I’m gonna do what I wanna do." I could never do anything right in his eyes. Couple that with the fact that he was a bit OCD. When I had my son, Baby’s Daddy stood over the hospital bed, looking down at me with such admiration. It’s the only time I remember him looking at me like that. I remember thinking, gee, I can’t perform this miracle every day! I didn’t have a good relationship with Ben until after the divorce because Baby’s Daddy didn’t think I could take care of Ben right. So I just gave up and stood out of the way. After the divorce, I started to enjoy my time with Ben and realized that I could take care of my son just fine! Anyway, Baby’s Daddy was a good father to our son. If I had to pick one out of the three to have a child with, I’m glad it was him.

Sadistic Mamma’s Boy

My third husband. Oh, lord. The worst of the crop. I married him when I was 31. We were married for 12 years. Twelve of the longest most agonizing years of my life. What the hell was I thinking? He was working a part time job, no car and living with his parents when I met him. But he was good looking at the time and was really into music like I was. What made me think I could base a marriage on criteria like that? That was rough 12 years. I’ve often tried to figure out why I stayed in that marriage so long. I think because I had already been married two times and I so wanted that one to work. I’m not a quitter. Just made bad choices. He did a lot of damage to me while we were married but I’m so thankful I came out of that relationship okay. Here’s where a lot of my therapeutic blogging will come from.

The Editor

This is the guy I’m dating now. We’ve been together a little over a year and he’s awesome. I think I’ve finally figured out what makes a good relationship. It’s not so much what you have in common with each other, is it? It’s what is at the core of that human being. Is he honest, trustworthy, positive? Will he be there if you need him? Does he care about his friends and family? Is he smart? A friend of mine told me I needed to change my priorities. She said not to date someone who doesn’t have his own place, car, job, etc. That just sounded too materialistic. I don’t care about money, cars or houses. But you know what? If you are fortunate enough to find somebody like the Editor.....you don’t have to check and see if he has a car, home or job. If he has all the attributes I mentioned above like honesty and integrity, he’s gonna have a car, job and home. He wouldn’t feel complete if he didn’t have those things. The Editor is smart, funny, sweet, kind, giving...and most importantly for me........uncontrolling. He lets me be who I am. I don’t know how long we will date....what the future holds.......I can’t imagine my life without him around. I hope we are together for a very long time but two things are for sure........(1) I am a better person for having met him and (2) he is now my role model for relationships. The Editor would be a very hard act to follow.