So I consider where I live in the country. Some people laugh at that because it's only 18 miles out of town but for a single, country-lovin' gal like me, being 2 ½ years away from owning 3/4 acre is pretty cool. I like the city but there is a peacefulness that comes over me when I'm surrounded by a rural area. I didn't fully understand this feeling for years. I think when I was younger (ages 20-40), my life was so fast paced (raising kids, working to get the things that you need....well....in my case....at least for the last 12 years of marriage......working to get the things that me and Sadistic Mama's Boy both needed since he wouldn't work) that I never had the time to stop and smell the roses.
I remember when Ben was younger, he played baseball, and some of the ballfields we went to were in rural areas. I remember one time when he was playing ball, the ballfield was in the country. I could see a long way off from the bleachers.........old country houses, cows, horses, barns, dirt roads, etc. This feeling of peace came over me and I couldn't seem to shake it. I didn't want to leave and go back to Little Rock after the game was over. I never really tried to analyze that feeling but when I moved out to East End a few years ago....I felt that same feeling and the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I didn't grow up in the country....mom and dad lived in town. But my grandma and grandpa had a farm. The house had a tin roof and they had chickens, cows, a goat, a donkey.....they even had a turkey. I remember how I loved the sound of the rain on that tin roof. Now, I have my own tin roof and I absolutely love it. It's the first time in my life I feel like I know where I belong.
I'm beginning to learn to pay attention to these feelings inside that make me feel peaceful. There's another feeling that I have and I just can't seem to shake it. You know how people talk about getting old and they just really fight it? Well......I totally embrace the thought of old age. I'm in no rush......everything in due time. But the older I get....the more I like myself and my life.
I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm gonna end up spending my golden years alone. This is no negative reflection upon The Editor. He is precious and I so totally enjoy him being in my life and I don't see an end to that. We could go on like we're going for a very long time. But I also never see myself getting married again. It's the first time in our adult lives that The Editor and I haven't been married to someone. We both truly enjoy having our own places, space...time to ourselves.
There's something about being out on my 3/4 acre by myself alone that feels.....right. I can see myself, a little old retired lady. In good weather, puttering around in that back yard, planting flowers, working in my garden, a couple little dogs (Boston Terriers, of course) romping around in the backyard with me. In bad weather, sitting inside with my books, cross stitch and dogs, listening to the rain pattering on that tin roof. I'm already getting my ducks in a row.........if everything goes as planned, I'll have everything paid off in about four years.....I'll only have utilities to pay. I've even decided when I die, I wanna be buried right back there....surrounded by woods. This may sound morbid and boring to anybody but me......but to me.......that's my definition of "Golden Years".
I'm reading a book right now by Elizabeth George entitled "The Middle Window" and there's a poem that gave me that peaceful feeling inside that I've talked about above.
Deep stillness of starlight nights and flooding of amber moonlight,
The strength of the dawn and the healing surge of the summer rain,
The sighing of winter woods and cry of the wind at midnight,
In the circle change of the seasons these shall return again.
Constant, changeless, eternal are mountain and rock and corrie,
Unmoved in their sculptured ranks amid thunder and storm and snow.
Youth and love will forsake me and I shall grow sick and sorry,
Yet these my friends are faithful and these to the end I shall know.
When the burden of living is over and my life is a sorrow forgotten,
Only one love shall detain me when the door of death is wide,
Love of the earth shall hold me, love of the fields I have trodden,
Love of emblazoned midnight and love of the sea in its pride.
Oh you, my friends and my lovers, shall I come back from the darkness,
Shall I love again the sweetness, the colour and glow of earth?
Shall I in a new-born body, fair and strengthened and spotless,
Worship again in the springtime the resurrection of birth?
AUTHOR - JONATHAN KELLERMAN
